Anger: what it's telling you and how to work with it
- Deborah Marks
- Oct 9
- 4 min read
Anger is information. When you learn to read it, you can protect what matters without hurting what matters.
Anger gets a bad reputation, yet it is one of the most useful emotions you have. It signals that something feels unfair, unsafe, or out of alignment with your values. When anger is ignored or pushed down, it tends to leak out as sarcasm, irritability, or shutdown. When it explodes, it can damage trust and leave you with regret. The goal is not to remove anger, it is to understand it and respond with steadiness.
What anger really is
Anger is a protective response. Your nervous system detects a threat, then prepares you to act. Sometimes the threat is physical, often it is emotional, like feeling dismissed or disrespected. If you grew up in a home where anger meant danger, you might fear it. If anger was the only emotion that got attention, you might rely on it more than you want to. Neither pattern is a personal flaw; both are learned responses that can be relearned.
The body’s role, not just the mind’s
Before anger becomes a thought, it is a surge in the body. Heart rate rises, breathing shifts, muscles tense. Noticing the earliest body cues gives you a head start. Common signs include a tight jaw, heat in the face, clenched fists, or a fast and narrow focus. Catching these cues lets you choose what happens next, rather than being carried by the wave.
Try this quick reset when you notice early signals
Place both feet on the floor, press your toes down for ten seconds, then release.
Breathe out slowly for longer than you breathe in, for example, in for 4, out for 6.
Unclench your hands, rest your tongue on the floor of your mouth, drop your shoulders.
Name the feeling in a simple sentence, for example, I feel angry because my boundary was crossed.
What your anger is trying to protect
Anger often guards something important. Look beneath it and you may find hurt, fear, shame, or exhaustion. Ask yourself, "What need feels threatened right now, fairness, respect, safety, rest, autonomy?" When you name the need, you can make a cleaner request. Instead of a heated accusation, you might say, "I need time to think", or, "I want to feel included in this decision."
From reaction to response
A helpful sequence is:
notice
regulate
understand
act
Notice, spot the body cues and the first spark. Regulate, use breath, posture, and a short pause to settle the surge. Understand, ask what boundary or value feels crossed. Act, state the need or boundary in clear, kind language, and choose a next step that fits the situation.
Clear, kind language sounds like, "I want to finish speaking before we move on", or, "I am happy to help, and I need a heads up next time."
Boundaries that calm anger
Good boundaries reduce the situations that fuel anger in the first place. Boundaries are not walls; they are clarity. Decide what you will do, rather than trying to control others. For example, "I will not continue this conversation if voices are raised", or "I will respond to messages during business hours." Follow through calmly and consistently. This builds self-trust and lowers the overall temperature.
When anger keeps looping
If you find yourself replaying arguments, feeling on edge for days, or flipping between numbness and outbursts, there may be older experiences that your nervous system is trying to protect you from. Trauma does not only mean big events, it can also mean repeated small experiences where you felt unseen or unsafe. Therapies like EMDR and attachment-informed work can help your system process what it learned to fear, so the present does not keep sounding like the past.
Repair after a rupture
Even with the best tools, you will sometimes say or do something that lands hard. Repair is how trust grows. It's best to keep it simple and specific. Acknowledge the impact, own your part, and state what you will do differently. For example, "I raised my voice, and that felt threatening. I am sorry. Next time, I will pause and ask for a break if I feel overwhelmed." Repair is not about self-blame; it is about responsibility and care.
Small practices that make a big difference
Micro pauses: add three breath cycles before you respond to hot topics.
Movement: a brisk walk, light weights, or stretching helps metabolise the stress chemistry that anger fuels.
Sleep and food: low sleep and low blood sugar make anger harder to regulate. Aim for regular meals and a wind-down routine at night.
Language swaps: replace "always" and "never" with specific examples. This lowers defensiveness and keeps the focus on the current issue.
Final thought
Anger is information. When you learn to read it, you can protect what matters without hurting what matters. You deserve tools that fit your history and your present life, not a one-size approach.
If anger is straining your relationships or leaving you exhausted, gentle support can help. At Hope Prevails, we work with healthy anger, nervous system regulation, and boundary setting. If you would like guidance, reach out today to book a confidential session or reach out with a question. You do not have to figure this out alone.
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